Monday, July 2, 2012

Bloomsday, Part Two



In "Part One" we attended the Bloomsday celebration at the Hammer Museum and our French restaurant pens, Joel Rubochon (Joe) and Le Bernardin (Bernie), got trashed on Guinness. Lightweights. You know Guinness has less alcohol than most beers, right? I'm baffled by people who don't know this. It's darker, yes, but that does not make it stronger. It's an easy drinking breakfast beer. But these dumbfucks were pounding it. And of course they got wasted and then they had a tussle.

As aforementioned, when we arrived, guests were taking turns reading from the "Wandering Rocks" chapter of Ulysses. Printouts of the chapter were available. We scored one. At the time I didn’t consider it a “score,” but after being asked by every crazy old person in the courtyard where I got it, I realized I had a rare document in my possession. And it ended up being the backdrop for Joe and Bernie’s fight. I couldn’t even follow along because these dudes were going at it amid the “Wandering Rocks.”

We're not sure how it started, but earlier in the day we heard Bernie challenging Joe's assertion that he is related to one of the pens Joyce used to write Ulysses. Bernie called "bullshit" on that, and we think that may have risen to the surface with the help of all the alcohol in their systems. We were all just sitting there quietly enjoying the reading when these two started cussing at each other in French. I'm not sure what they're saying, and even when you translate French curses they never make any sense. Like, what is that? "Nine ashtray ducks" or something? We didn't need a translator to know they were pissed, though.
Of course it was Joe who fired the first shot. He got out his bow and arrow and let one fly. Like, a bow and arrow, really?
Bernie wasn't as drunk as I thought he was because he was somehow able to erect a shield at the last second and deflect Joe's  poison arrow. It wasn't poisoned when he let it fly. In transit he added some poison to the tip.
Bernie retaliated by dropping down a couple lines and reached out and grabbed Joe's "ankles" and tripped him up.
That really pissed Joe off. Joe has a really bad temper. And if you ignite it, as Bernie did, well, Joe will open a big can of Whoop Ass for you.
Inside Joe's can of Whoop Ass was a giant boot which he delivered to Bernie's head. He said it as he kicked Bernie, he said, "BOOT TO THE HEAD!"
Bernie returned fire. He produced one of his favorite chef knives and took a swipe at Joe.
"So you want to play with knives, eh?" Joe said. "Well try this on for size!" It was when Joe erected the guillotine that we stepped in and broke it up. What is it with the French and guillotines? Anyway, we separated them, took away their Guinness, and gave them each a slice of Wolfgang Puck corned beef and cabbage pizza. Which is, of course, a classic Irish dish, found all over the Irish countryside.

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