We stopped at the Soggy Peso on the way back from the beach.
We’d heard more than one old person raving about The Soggy Peso. “The Soggy
Peso! The Soggy Peso!” They love saying the fucking name. It was cool, I guess,
they had alcohol, but too predictable—it looked a little bit too much like a bar on a beach. If
a Disney script called for a "beach bar," they would likely model it after the
Soggy Peso. Everyone really wanted it to be amazing—probably because everyone
there was there only to buy a t-shirt that they could show off to their friends
back home—they were concocting their memories before they even occurred. It was
kind of annoying.
And then it really was annoying: some lady stood up and
demanded the attention of the entire bar. She announced her friend was in some
band in Baton Rouge or something and that she is a “star.” “YOU ARE IN THE
PRESENCE OF A STAR!” she bellowed. The singer feigned shyness for a minute, but
that didn’t last long, and soon we were all forced to listen to her sing “Bobby
McGee.” Nothing like being forced to listen to other people’s music, whether
you like it or not. “This is my favorite song! Now it’s your favorite song
too!” The star from Baton Rouge wasn’t bad, but she wasn’t good either. And of
course she sang the whole fucking song so we all had to pretend to pay
attention for about three minutes as she dragged out the ending. Na nana nana nana n-na! (The bartender
recorded it on a phone and we had to listen to it again about an hour later on
the stereo. Assholes.)
![]() |
I fucking hate people. |
A fake spider hangs over the door to the bathroom operated by a string near the bar. “That would have freaked me out if you hadn’t told me about it earlier,” a woman said as she returned to her seat at the bar next to her female companion. An old man at the other end loudly bemoaned the Packers season. I read some hats on the walls: the Minnesota Monkeys love the bananas; a Flyers hat read, "Fuck the Rangers"; Kelly left her bride hat in 2011 and wrote "Kelly Kelly" on it; Gene and Toni from Austin abandoned their Mavericks hat on 07/04/11; and Henry and Robin left their "soggy love" on a Baltimore Ravens hat. And then there were the retards that sat down next to us. There were three of them: one dude, and two chicks. The dude sold boats in Virginia or some shit. Or worked for someone who sold boats. Because at first he made it sound like he was a wheeler and dealer in the boat industry, but after listening to him for a while, it became apparent that he’s just an employee of a boat manufacturer or boat broker or something. He was nothing more than a used car salesman, but he tried to sound like the kingpin of the boat world. Whatever he did, it involved boats because he would not stop talking about fucking boats. Fiberglass. Hulls. The Economy. Tania wanted to kill him. And his girlfriend. And the bimbo they befriended five days before. It was fairly obvious that the boat salesman was more interested in the new ugly bimbo than his old ugly girlfriend. The bimbo might have been the most annoying of the three. She was really slutting it up and she had her extra stupid slut voice on. As Tania said, “Every girl can do that voice, but nobody really talks like that.” You should hear Tania do her voice. Chuh, like, soshaw, awmgaaw! Rally?
![]() |
The food was actually kind of good. We had some gringo style tacos (Taco Bell hard shell style) and this shrimp ceviche. (I'm not really into Repo Man, so I'm not going to use the joke.) |
Then they invented a tradition, a tradition they loudly proclaimed themselves the origin of. Which is kind of the antithesis of a tradition, isn’t it? Doesn’t Time decide what is tradition and what isn’t? To immortalize yourself is just stupid. It's like quoting yourself. But apparently they want to be remembered as the people that invented a stupid drink at the Soggy Peso. They were desperate for memories NOW.
First of all, they did not invent the stupid drink they
forced the bartender to make for them. I accidentally had one in Tijuana in
1987. Mark Waters ordered me a “Tequila Villa” at some sketchy bar. I had no
idea what it was, but okay, sure, gimme a Tequila Villa. A few minutes later
two waiters arrived and asked, “Who has the Tequila Villa?” Everyone pointed at
me. They grabbed my head from behind, pulled it back so I was looking at the
ceiling, opened my mouth, poured tequila and lime juice in, then violently
shook my head and yelled, “TEQUILA VILLA!” Mark got me on that one. That’s the
drink these idiots wanted. It’s a stupid frat boy/spring break drink. They all
turned their backs to the bar, and leaned back so they were looking at the
thatched hut ceiling of the Soggy Peso. The boat salesman explained to the embarrassed
bartenders what to do. “You pour that, and that… IN OUR MOUTHS!” No way, man,
you’re crazy, don’t do it! And then they all swallowed their medicine and
pretended like they had never had a drink before and that what they just did
was the most amazing thing in the world ever. Beamers.
“We invented a new tradition here at the Soggy Peso,” the
boat salesman later said to some man who I presume was the owner. “Is that
cool? I think it’s safe to say we invented a new tradition at the Soggy Peso.
Can I say we invented a new tradition?”
Sure buddy. A tradition is born. You’re immortal.
5 comments:
Freddie and the boys at the soggy peso rule. A lot of fun and the people are just that... Different people!! This is a hang out and the food was great!!! Can't wait to return! Hey even the dog is a legend. Too bad they close so early but who can outlast those margarettas...they put you on your ass!
Daren
Charleston sc
I feel the need to comment here because this post is constantly misunderstood.
We enjoyed the Soggy Peso, despite the readings people are taking away from the above. This post gets a lot of comments, most threatening and/or ignorant because they miss the point: this was a story about shitty, annoying tourists—a subject I find very amusing. I have nothing against the Soggy Peso and, frankly, I enjoyed that afternoon there. Look at how much stupid shit I got to write about. We look forward to going back to the Soggy Peso and being entertained by another batch of ding dongs. It was fun.
We welcome your comments, positive or negative, but we do not post anonymous comments. Especially cowardly negative shit talking anonymous comments. If you have something to say, put your name on it, stand behind your words, and we'll be happy to post it. Otherwise, what's the point? -dave carnie
OMG I Sarcely (this is seriously in a valley girl voice) almost peed reading this. I love your humor. We are meant to be friends. Anyway I've been to Isla once. In 2013. We are going back in just s couple weeks, with our kids this time who are NOT allowed st a Soggy Peso so what a bummer we can go back there.
We went once the last time and were entirely Non Plussed. Didn't find any charm in the place. You're spot on with the trying too hard thing. We did however love Bahía Tortuga, if you happened to make it there.
Hahahahaha seriously this is some funny shit. And I'm not surprised people got mad at you- I've found that the Expat tourists on Isla are seriously fiercely loyal to these places that I have no idea why are so popular.
Love this! My husband and I share your humor of ignorant tourists. We will be going to Isla this year for the first-time. Your blog just might lead us to check out this joint for the entertainment alone. Thank you!
Post a Comment