Tania has been stealing stuff. I
never really noticed it before. And actually I don’t know the full extent of
it. Like, is this a problem? I don’t think it is, but maybe it’s the start of
something bigger? For instance, she steals pens from restaurants. The waiter
leaves a pen to sign the bill, Tania keeps the pen. She doesn’t do it that
often—as far as I know anyway—only if the restaurant is noteworthy. And in such
cases it’s not difficult to justify keeping a crappy little ballpoint pen when
you just dropped $600 on a meal and left a generous tip. We’re not in the “one
percent,” so eating at these restaurants is essentially a once in a lifetime
opportunity and, thus, who can fault us for wanting to take home a little
keepsake by which to remember the experience? I don’t really even see the harm
in taking home a plate, or some silverware. Like a knife. I should start
stealing knives. If they try and get it back, I’ll give it back to them,
alright: STAB! STAB! STAB! “Stay back! We left more than 20%! The knife is
coming with us!”
“We should frame these,” I said
after arranging them on the counter. Except there’s only three right now that
are worth framing. Maybe four. That’s not enough in my opinion. It’s not
impressive. Yet. So I’m encouraging my wife to steal more pens.
Tania also steals rolls of plastic
bags from the produce section in the grocery store. They fit perfectly in our
countertop garbage bowl. Yes, we have a garbage bowl. No, it is not a Rachel
Ray signature garbage bowl. It’s just a bowl that we’ve designated as the
garbage bowl, but the idea, I’m embarrassed to admit, did indeed come from that
mashed potato titted raspy voiced slag. For the record, we’ve never made a single
recipe of hers, not even the hotdog scramble watermelon enchiladas. Dumb cunt.
But thank you for the garbage bowl idea. We’re saving up to buy a “real one.”
The pen thing I’m down with. I think
it’s funny. And, as I said, I want to frame them. Which is, admittedly, a
strange crafter/Martha Stewart idea. And kinda trashy. “We ate at some
motherfuckin’ rich-ass restaurants, dude!” It’s kind of like bragging about how
expensive your sunglasses are. (That’s a Real Housewives reference, incidentally—if we’re
going to talk about the perversion of good taste, we might as well invoke
sophistication’s greatest enemies.) But the bag thing is borderline crime. Which
of course means prison, and then Tania will turn into a chola, and then a dyke,
and she’ll get weird gang tattoos on her face and a nickname like “Spooky.”
“They give
those bags away for free,” Tania said when I confronted her about it. “How is
that stealing? I can stand in any grocery store unrolling all of their bags and
taking them so long as I buy some produce. Done. Mine.”
Fine. Whatever Spooky.
3 comments:
what would tania's chola name be?
And then we started calling her spooky. I dunno.
They should make matching garbage plates, garbage cups and garbage placemats... maybe even a garbage pen for Tania to steal.
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