Thursday, June 2, 2011

Reda Deems Carnie Coffee "Good Shit"

It's not one of my most exciting performances, but I am excited to be on The Berrics. Watch Part One, and Part Two.
Last Christmas we shared a cabin with friends in Big Sur. When I awoke and stumbled to the kitchen, I found one of our friends making coffee. To protect her identity, I’ll use my patented technique of disguising her name by spelling it backwards: Narahs.

“We need more coffee,” Narahs announced. She had poured the entire bag we brought with us into the filter.

I don’t drink coffee when I’m hungover, so I’m not sure why I even cared (or why I even brought coffee?), but I decided to argue with Narahs about the proper methods of making coffee. At the time, my opinion was she was using way too much. The argument didn’t last long, though, because Narahs ended it when she said, “You don’t even drink coffee! We make coffee all day, every day!”

This is why I changed Sharan’s name to Narahs because I don’t remember exactly what she said and I don't want to say mean things about my daughter. But she said something along the lines of, “You don’t know how to make coffee,” and it pissed me off. GRRR...

In hindsight it’s actually kind of funny because I do know how to make coffee and I make coffee almost every day. But the only time Narahs is at our house in the morning during coffee hours is after a night of drinking. And, as I mentioned, I don’t make coffee when I’m hungover. So it’s not my fault that Narahs is a stupid drunk slut and hasn’t experienced my magical coffee making ability.

Because I do know how to make coffee, and I make good coffee. Reda says so. And if there’s anyone who knows coffee, it’s Reda. In the latest episode of “Wednesday’s With Reda” on The Berrics, Reda and Joey Brezinski visit our house, molest my wiener, make fun of the art on the walls, and demand that I make them a cup of coffee. Reda enjoyed the cup of coffee I made him. In Part Two, you can clearly hear him say, “This is good shit right here.” If you know anything about Reda, that’s quite an achievement because he hates everything. But my coffee is good shit. Right here.

There was a lot of silly business that didn't make the cut on The Berrics and I can only assume it's because there was too much cock involved? Joey and Reda molested more than one wiener that evening. As you can see in the photo, my Whale Cock is on the floor in front of Reda, and Joey is holding my Portugese coffee mug that Nieratko got me. It's designed with holes around the rim so the only way you can drink out of it is to wrap your lips around the dick that protrudes from the side. And those are only two of the wieners we were playing with in that room.
To Narahs’ credit, however, she is correct: I am not a coffee fiend or a connoisseur of the beverage and don’t pretend to be. (So that just means she’s not “stupid,” but she’s still a drunk slut.) In fact I kind of hate coffee people. But I do enjoy a good cup of coffee and I learned long ago a proper technique for making one. Notice that it's singular: a proper technique. I know there are other methods, but I don't give a shit about how you make coffee. This way works. It’s so simple I don’t understand why people get so fucking crazy about it. Or why some people can’t make a good cup. I take a Melitta filter, put it in one of those plastic Melitta cones, wet it, and put it over a cup. Then I grind some beans (currently I’m using Trader Joe’s “Bay Blend,” which is what Reda had), put a couple big spoonfuls in the cone, and pour a little boiling water over them, just enough to wet them. I then wait a couple minutes before I pour the rest of the boiling water over the grounds, and, voila: good shit right here.