Monday, March 15, 2010

Devil Cheese

If Wittgenstein can talk about the colors of vowels, than I can talk about the morality of cheese.

“Consider this case:” Wittgenstein writes in the Brown Book, “we have taught someone the use of the words ‘darker and ‘lighter.’ He could, e.g., carry out such an order as ‘Paint me a patch of colour darker than the one I am showing you.’ Suppose now I said to him: ‘Listen to the five vowels a, e, i, o, u and arrange them in order of their darkness.’ He may just look puzzled and do nothing, but he may (and some people will) now arrange the vowels in a certain order (mostly i, e, a, o, u). Now one might imagine that arranging the vowels in order of darkness presupposed that when a vowel was sounded a certain colour came before a man’s mind, that he then arranged these colours in their order of darkness and told you the corresponding arrangement of the vowels. But this actually need not happen. A person will comply with the order: ‘Arrange the vowels in their order of darkness,’ without seeing any colours before his mind’s eye.”

The technical term for this disease is synaesthesia. It’s “the tendency of experiences in one sense modality to trigger anomalous experiences in another sense of modality.” That must SUCK. And what sucks about it even more is I think I have it.

I have this weird sense of cheese. I feel like the Santa Claus of cheese because I can tell which ones are naughty and which ones are nice. I’ve had this sense since I was a young boy. When I see and smell a cheese, I know whether it is a good, benevolent cheese, or a bad, evil cheese. And I’m not talking about the taste. I’m talking about the cheese’s moral compass. I can “see” whether a cheese’s needle points north or south.

Of course the wedge of parmesan above caught my eye immediately: it has the mark of The Beast upon it, “$6.66.” It’s Satanic cheese. To you this is probably just a funny coincidence, “Ha ha, Satanic cheese!” but I’m being totally serious: parmesan is evil cheese. When I think of parmesan, I see images of Parmegeddon and the end of the world. I get migraines. And when the waiter asks, “Would you like some fresh cheese?” I am filled with dread. I hold in my farts. “Yes, please,” I always say, but I’m just being polite because mentally I’m being drawn and quartered while burned at the stake as I hang from a noose made of cobras! “AHHHHH!” I want to scream. It’s hard to hold in farts.

But, like most really bad things, parmesan is delicious. I have it all the time. I put it on pancakes. But it’s evil. It’s very, very, very bad cheese. Did you know that Hitler loved parmesan? He injected it. It’s also the cheese on the Aqua Teen Hunger Force “Broodwich.”

“A Sandwich forged in darkness from wheat harvested in Hell's half-acre. Baked by Beelzebub. Slathered with mayonnaise from the evil eggs of dark chicken forces beaten into sauce by the hands of a one-eyed madman. Cheese [parmesan] boiled from the rancid teat of a fanged cow. Layered with 666 separate meats from an animal which has maggots for blood.”

Don’t fuck with parmesan. Cheddar is better. While feta mo’ betta. Steer clear of Paneer, and watch out for Shanklish, it’s been known to stab from the front and the rear. Havarti’s a party, but it makes you farty. Cheese that is blue you must defer, it comes from a fellow named Bluecifer. The Father of Lies is the Father of Bries. Munster’s a monster, but Chevre is forevre. Limb from limb, Limburger on burgers is vile and vulgar. There’s nothing there that’s equal or fair in even an ounce of Camembert. There’s something amiss about the Swiss. Damme, Damme, Damme you to hell. Hell? Hella Mozzarella. Hella, just hella. If you’re home alone, beware of Provolone. Gorgonzola will turn you to stone, but there’s nothing worse than Mascarpone. God damn that mascarpone, that motherfucking mascarpone.

I hate cheese.


Tasty Morsel said...

Mascarpone... whenever I think of that particular cheese, all I can hear in my head is Giada overcompensating her Italian pronunciation.

Mark Shafer said...

that was the least cheesiest article about cheese I have ever read. very to-the-point and informative.

Eric B said...

Cheese = Happiness. I had a subscription since before I had pubes to your old, finely, aged skate mag - Big Brother. I've always loved your writing and randomly searched you down on the intertubes. Anyways, I was wondering, if you have time, what you thought about my writing. I just began and I am considering going for it professionally. What do you think? Your opinion would be super-helpful. Here's my blog address ...

It's about my hopeless and grueling attempt at an unnecessarily extreme workout program -- but, really, it just operates as a receptacle for my mind-vomit.

I guess hit me on my e-mail or comments page if you check it out.

Thanks again dude...and you need start wearing more shimmery gold attire.

Anonymous said...

unfortunately living in downtown LA, and Hollywood, made me prejudice against Jews, Blacks, and women. As you can see by this post, I am in love with Kosher food, i.e., fantastic cheeses, etc., but despise their creators. My favorite part of Howard Stern's show of all time was when he had the real Klu Klux Klan dude on the show. Howard made him rearrange a vertical list of "least to worst" most hated types. The jew was number one. I hope I'm not offending anyone: I don't believe that Dave is Jewish. At any rate people have always been into hating that shit. That's what the real world does to people, even me.

tussin78 said...

when is BOOB coming out?? i want to see it. Please tell me and don't let this comment sit here like dead air. Or not I guess. I guess "everything takes a long time..." that's how it is. Everything takes time. Be patient. patience is a virtue, you know.

Unknown said...

Wow! Earl Parker Lives!!!
Petaluma misses you Earl!

Anonymous said...

Can we get an new piece yet? I've been drinking and eating but you haven't been posting. One of us isn't holding up their end of the deal here.

Machuca said...

Carnies. Update, please. Thanks.