Thursday, October 15, 2009

Buh-Bye-eeee Skateboard Journalism


The skateboard world is kind of quiet at the moment, and it made me realize that I miss Jereme Rogers. Which made me think of this article I wrote for the second issue of King Shit Magazine. Because King Shit is a Canadian magazine, I imagine a lot of people might not have seen this? (Click on the image above for a better look at Tania's amazing tattoo and photo skills.) And for those reading this outside of skateboarding and unfamiliar with Jereme Rogers and his retirement, go here.

When I was a kid, I played hockey. I was on the California All Star Team. I was totally awesome. I learned French in about a week because I felt it would help me communicate better with the French Canadian teammates I would surely be sharing the ice with when I made it to the NHL. I’m still fluent in French, but I retired from hockey when I was in my early teens to pursue a career in ballet. I was even better at ballet than I was at hockey. I was probably the best ballet boy in the world at the time. I could spin and dance and do flips and jump really high in the air. I was a marvel to behold. I won every ballet contest I entered. But at the peak of my career I discovered the art of writing about skateboarding, and I retired from ballet. My ballet coach thought I was crazy. I pray for him.

But look what happened: I became the best skateboard writer in the world, ever. Everyone knew from the first word I wrote in a skateboard magazine that I was the God of skateboard journalism. I was awarded a plaque by the Academy of Skateboard Journalists for the first sentence I wrote. I’d print that golden sentence again, here, but it’s been reprinted so many times, and I’m sure you know it by heart—oh what the heck, everyone loves it so much, why not, right?

“I am so awesome.”

I stand back and just stare at it for hours sometimes. It’s so eloquent. And so true. That’s the beauty of my skateboard writing. I tell it how it is and I do it with style and grace. From the moment I penned that remarkable sentence, I continued to amaze the skateboard community around the world with every word I wrote. I’ve written about skateboarding in so many places around the world, I don’t even remember where I’ve been. All I remember is that people were flying me all over the place just to read the words that I wrote about skateboarding. Every article I wrote was better than the last. “This is the best article that Carnie has ever written,” people would say. But then I’d write another article, and people would be forced to say, “Well, I thought that last article Carnie wrote was his best work, but this is certainly the best article about skateboarding ever written, yes sir.” And so on. I was, to quote myself, “so awesome.”

Then a year and a half ago, cooking hit me like a ton of bricks. I was penning, once again, the most amazing skateboard article ever written when I was suddenly overcome with hunger. So I made myself lunch. And OH MY GOD, the food I made that afternoon was the most amazing meal I had ever eaten. Manna from Heaven! That night I decided to try my hand at dinner and, guess what? it was the best dinner I had ever eaten. It was so good I didn’t poop for three days. I wanted to hold onto it. I finally pooped into a plastic bag and I had the turd bronzed. I had to move some trophies around in my enormous trophy room to make space for the bronze turd, but now it sits front and center. It’s a constant reminder of what a remarkable chef I am.

All the while, I continued to churn out my award winning skateboard journalism, but secretly food had taken over my heart and mind. And stomach! (HAHA! I still got it. Damn I’m good at everything.)

At first, I just cooked for myself and a few friends. Mostly just snacks. I knew that the skateboard industry wouldn’t be happy losing the only person who could write about it, so I kept cooking on the DL. But I had discovered a new passion and I’ve never been one to deny my heart. I know the skateboard journalism industry is going to be very sad to see me leave, but I can’t do both. Who on earth could possibly find the time to write about skateboarding, AND cook food? That’s like standing in the middle of a road with cars going in both directions. And that’s dangerous. If the cars don’t hit you, a herd of sheep might run you over. And if the sheep run you over, they’ll poop on your face. I do not like sheep poop on my face. If a sheep pooped on my face, I would catch that sheep and I would make the best rack of lamb you’ve ever tasted. You will pray to God for the recipe. Which is where I got it. If God gives it to you, I suggest you tattoo the recipe onto your neck so that you never forget it. God likes a good dead lamb. And my dead lamb is so succulent, you might just want to go up on a rooftop in your underwear and yell about it. Seriously, it’s really good.

I trust that God will guide me and protect me on my new adventure. It’s a weird adventure because it’s just like the time I quit hockey to play ballet. And then right after that, I quit ballet to become a skateboard journalist. It’s trippy to me because it’s, like, totally the same thing, but it’s different, you know what I mean? I just want to make sure everyone has got it straight. Because even I get confused by all the dreams and journeys and careers and retirement parties that are going on in my life all the time. It’s hard to keep track! (The amount of pot God makes me smoke doesn’t help either.) So I just wanted to make sure that we’re all on the same page here, and that’s why I’m shooting out this memo to let everybody know that I’m retiring from yet another successful career, skateboard journalism, to become the world’s best chef.

Skateboard journalism: no.

World’s best chef: BAM!

These are the last words I will ever write in a skateboard magazine. I hope you cherish them forever. Because I totally loved skateboard journalism for, like, the couple of years I did it, so I’m asking you to totally love me back. I will pray for you even if you don’t pray for me, but it would really help me out a lot if you prayed for me. And, frankly, you’d be a total dick for not praying for me after I just got done praying for you. I’ll always remember you skateboard journalism. Goodbye.

God bless skateboarding, and God bless Jereme Rogers.

PS. I don't usually add any kind of reality to my writing, or bother explaining anything, but there was a lot of hate directed at Jereme when he retired—most of which was completely retarded—and I don't want my silly little satire on the situation to be construed as mean-spirited or similarly hateful. I sincerely wish the best for Jereme, and I hope he succeeds at rapping. And who knows, maybe I really will retire from writing to cook? MAYBE I'll become Jereme's road chef when he tours? HA!

11 comments:

Burninfresh said...

Awesome article. So Awesome.

You're definitely my fave writer of all time!

Do you think a dixxle snit (I think that's right) will get an article, considering it's a skateboard made of ice cream???

dixie said...

RIP captain goofy puke!

mark armes said...

You were the greatest of all time Dave!
I'll read about whatever the fuck you and gary want to write about forever.

Anonymous said...

Liked the satire as much as the other funny quips at Rogers' retirement. But I have to wonder, being as you work for the Skateboard Mag, how did JR's original "good bye skateboarding" article even make it into the mag? The editors, judging by the intro that month, knew it was self- indulgent B.S. so why did it get the green light? More influential pros don't get the same treatment, so why did J.R.? I know you're not the editor over at the Mag, but you guys must have smelled that bullshit from a mile away.

Bozo Monkey Bear III said...

anonymous: yeah swift wrote quite a nasty li'l intro in that issue about how much he hated it. to which i asked, "uh, don't you run the mag? can't you NOT run it?" the answer i got was more or less, "atiba wanted it."
would i have run it? HELL YEAH. are you joking me? that shit is pure gold. i can't wait til he comes out of retirement and we get another story out of him.

k dogg said...

i love you man!

Rajeevx2k1 said...

ahhhhhhh cant we compromise and have you interview skaters about what they eat?

Rajeevx2k1 said...

dont be too upset!

http://www.cnn.com/2009/SHOWBIZ/Music/10/25/morrissey.collapse/index.html

Lance Dawes said...

Epic. I hope you retire monthly so I can keep reading your resignations.

simonflores@gmail.com said...

Dave! you can't retire whale cock though, not when they just released the whale cock interior SUVs?!

http://www.autoevolution.com/news/the-1m-suv-comes-with-whales-penis-interior-12423.html

mc said...

dave,

i am not gay in a homo or jovial way. The only cock i love to play with is my own. I am good at it.

I became a writer about 9 years ago. I always hated, and still do, writing. I am yet another photographer trying to make a buck. Editors have always dug my photo's but wouldnt run shit unless they had a story to go along with it. Hence, my writing career.

Everytime I write a feature story, i pretend i am you. But I still suck. I still procrastinate. I still hate it.

I was wondering if you could give me some of your talent. WOuld sucking your cock help me become a better writer?