Friday, April 17, 2009

Magic Hockey Bacon

One of my other weird rituals is I have to see the puck drop. This is the setup at the beginning of the game: three slices of bacon.

It worked! Again! The Bruins beat those stupid fucking Canadians in the first game of the playoffs because I cooked bacon for them. WOOO!

I have to admit, however, that I’m a little bummed it worked. There was a tiny little part of me that was saying, “They’re going to lose at least one game in this series to the Habs, maybe it should be this one? That way you’ll finally learn that cooking bacon, wearing your Bruin ski cap a certain way, putting a Bruin cap on the Chinese good luck kitty, and all the other stupid superstitious shit you do, has no effect on the outcome of the game. The score is determined by the way the individuals, on the two teams, play on the ice, in a stadium, on the other side of the country.”

Even the Chinese Lucky Kitty got in on my insanity.

But they won. And I can’t help but conclude that the bacon I made, and so lovingly presented for them below the TV, made them win. Plus I saw Chara look at it. Just before he scored the game winning goal, he totally looked down at the plate on the TV tray and was like, “Mmmm, bacon…” It totally supercharged him. He was all, “Gimme the puck!” And Savard dished it back to him and he wound up and POW! The puck sizzled (like bacon!) through the air and hit the twine. I could read Chara’s lips as he celebrated, he was just screaming, “BAAAAAACOOOOOOOOON!”

This is the scrum after Kessel's open net goal. The Canadians have this weird new tactic of attacking players after they score. The funniest part about this is that a fan stole Kovalev's stick here. If you look at Chara on the far left, there's a guy in the stands with a white shirt on. He's pulling on the stick. Somehow Kovalev's stick went into one of the photographer's holes in the glass right there and the fans grabbed it. It was funny watching the Russian trying to negotiate with a bunch of dumb, drunk, Boston idiots. And then the game ended and I ate the last slice of bacon.

So they need me to make three slices of bacon before each game. One for each period. Although they just barely won that game, maybe six slices of bacon, two for each period? That’s a lot of bacon in these tough economic times. I wonder if this stuff would work? Go Bruins!


BLACKIE said...


gbrl said...

oh hell no! squeeze bacon? ugh, if you eat that shit, its going to come out of you with a worse consistency then it comes out of that bottle. YUCK!

gbrl said...

okay, i got over being disgusted with that squeeze bacon. but man, dude, DUDE! fucking PORK in a bottle! wow, whats next, swine-whiz?

Dude_Here said...

That's pure genius! Incorporating a delicious salt-cured pork product into an OCD ritual. I am wondering, however, if you account the Bruins win only to the bacon, or to all the other stupid crap you do in tandem? You see, I am tempted to employ similar juju this evening to ensure a Sharks win over the fucking Ducks. If they drop Game 2 its pretty much over for them and I figure with their lack of consistency lately they can use all the help they can get. Un-kosher as it may be. Plus, really, is making bacon ever much of a sacrifice? I don't think so.

abbfla66 said...

We had canned bacon while camping one time with my father-in-law, and it was the best thing I've ever tasted. Probably more salt in it than the Atlantic, but so delicious!