Hey guess what, guys! I’m a published food writer now too! Woofuckinghoo motherbitches! But instead of writing about some sausage I had in Vegas, I got to interview my culinary hero (and adopted mom, even though she doesn’t know that I have adopted her) Lidia Bastianich. (Click on page for larger view.)
Did you guys just see her on Top Chef this season? Wasn’t she the coolest? She was wearing sandals to the final dinner event. Sandals! FTW Lidia, you rule! Too bad her pick didn't get to be winner and that stupid bald fuck who can't cook fish (but can cheat on his girlfriend) did.
I was seriously the gayest interview ever because all I did was agree with everything she said. And I didn’t even have any real questions because I basically know her whole life story. I even refer to her as my mom because I want nothing more than to be part of the Bastianich family. I want to share in the excitement of the family winery and bask in the success of the family restaurants. I want to pass the gravy to all of them on Thanksgiving and play hide and seek with all the nieces and nephews. I want to see Lidia crack chicken bones with her big, sturdy paws (dudes, she's got hands bigger than a polar bear). Seriously. I want nothing more than this, and I go about my private life believing that I am related to my mom, Lidia. Dave does too. When Lidia’s Italy comes on TV he always let’s me know what my mom is cooking that day from another room. “Hey, Tania, she’s making gnocchi with her other daughter Tania!”
See?! She already has a daughter named Tania. I was just born in the wrong house, is all. Oh man, they're so cool, you guys. So, so cool. They even party with Mario Batali (and build restaurants with him). Ohmigosh, ohmigosh!
Oh whatever, I know you guys are laughing at me right now. You know what? Big deal. I can't hear your laughter all the way in Belize, where me and my old man will be relaxing for the next nine days, bitches! All I'll be able to hear is monkeys and toucans in the trees. So whatever, keep on laughing. Go ahead and think to yourself that I am delusional and a little too obsessed. I don't care! I have my mom's love (and awesome food) and a rainforest vacaction to keep my spirits high. And so I will end this on a positive note like she ends every show: "Tutti a Tavola...a Mangiare!"