Thursday, October 30, 2008
My Gary doesn't like you.
There was an article in the back of THE about these fellas called the Beez that make weird skateboard videos. I mentioned to someone that I wanted to see them. While I quietly forgot about the Beez videos, the person I mentioned them to, mentioned them to someone who knew the Beez. Then a Bee, named Russ Clark, emailed me. “Someone told me that you wanted a copy of the Beez DVD,” he wrote. “If so, how can I get one to you?”
I’m currently waiting for my Beez DVDs. In the meantime, I decided to tell Russ about my friends Chris Reed and Caleb who do weird shit that reminded me of what I think the Beez are all about. To illustrate, I sent him a link to Reed’s blog where their Mortiis karaoke video is:
“Funny,” he wrote, “I hadn't thought about Mortiis since the Big Brother days. There was always a major disconnect for me between Mortiis visually and vocally: how could THAT come out of THAT? Sort of like witnessing soft serve ice cream descending from any variety of anus.”
It’s been four years since Big Brother died. “You haven’t thought of Mortiis in four years?” I asked. “Four years? What the fuck is wrong with you.” I can’t go a day without the Depeche Mode of black metal blaring out of my little computer speakers.
“From the Big Brother days,” Russ continued, “I also recall that you had a cat named Gary. One my friends involved in Beez also has a cat named Gary (an absolute bastard), and we made this bullshit for Fuel TV involving him:” Click here to watch the funny.
It's almost as funny as Gary in a hoody.
But here’s the thing: this new bit of information brings the total number of cats named Gary to three. THREE GARYS! That’s craziness. It’s baffling because I chose the name “Gary” for Gary because it’s one of the stupidest names I’ve ever heard. (“Mitch” is on the podium as well.) Probably because every Gary I’ve ever met—and I think I’ve only met two—was sloppy and stupid. So naturally I wanted to name my cat Gary. It’s my opinion that cats should have stupid names. Also we thought Gary was a girl. Worst male name for a female cat, that’s what I was going for. But I think Gary got wind of his name’s gender and made the appropriate adjustments to his under carriage because he’s male now. So that’s my Gary cat. And then there’s the Beez Gary cat. And I bet you don’t know who the third cat named Gary is? Birdo, of Consolidated Skateboards, has a cat named Gary. And, apparently, Birdo’s Gary came before my Gary. Three Gary cats? Are there any more? Again: craziness.
I relate all this Gary nonsense to you as a preface to Gary’s recipe for mouse. It’s delicious.
1 mouse (alive)
Pounce on the mouse and bite its neck. Carry the mouse around in your mouth. Fling the mouse in the air and then pounce on it again, kind of like tossing pizza dough. Repeat until tender. Take mouse into the house and make weird throaty noises. This marinates the mouse and lets everyone know that you’re making mouse for dinner. Take mouse back outside and toss it around some more if necessary. When it’s dead, you’ll know that it’s ready to eat. Bite off the head first, and then continue eating the rest of its body. Never finish an entire mouse, always leave its bloody carcass in a conspicuous location inside the house, such as the middle of a hallway.
Posted by Bozo Monkey Bear III