Thursday, October 30, 2008

Three Garys

My Gary doesn't like you.

There was an article in the back of THE about these fellas called the Beez that make weird skateboard videos. I mentioned to someone that I wanted to see them. While I quietly forgot about the Beez videos, the person I mentioned them to, mentioned them to someone who knew the Beez. Then a Bee, named Russ Clark, emailed me. “Someone told me that you wanted a copy of the Beez DVD,” he wrote. “If so, how can I get one to you?”

I’m currently waiting for my Beez DVDs. In the meantime, I decided to tell Russ about my friends Chris Reed and Caleb who do weird shit that reminded me of what I think the Beez are all about. To illustrate, I sent him a link to Reed’s blog where their Mortiis karaoke video is:

“Funny,” he wrote, “I hadn't thought about Mortiis since the Big Brother days. There was always a major disconnect for me between Mortiis visually and vocally: how could THAT come out of THAT? Sort of like witnessing soft serve ice cream descending from any variety of anus.”

It’s been four years since Big Brother died. “You haven’t thought of Mortiis in four years?” I asked. “Four years? What the fuck is wrong with you.” I can’t go a day without the Depeche Mode of black metal blaring out of my little computer speakers.

“From the Big Brother days,” Russ continued, “I also recall that you had a cat named Gary. One my friends involved in Beez also has a cat named Gary (an absolute bastard), and we made this bullshit for Fuel TV involving him:” Click here to watch the funny.

It's almost as funny as Gary in a hoody.

But here’s the thing: this new bit of information brings the total number of cats named Gary to three. THREE GARYS! That’s craziness. It’s baffling because I chose the name “Gary” for Gary because it’s one of the stupidest names I’ve ever heard. (“Mitch” is on the podium as well.) Probably because every Gary I’ve ever met—and I think I’ve only met two—was sloppy and stupid. So naturally I wanted to name my cat Gary. It’s my opinion that cats should have stupid names. Also we thought Gary was a girl. Worst male name for a female cat, that’s what I was going for. But I think Gary got wind of his name’s gender and made the appropriate adjustments to his under carriage because he’s male now. So that’s my Gary cat. And then there’s the Beez Gary cat. And I bet you don’t know who the third cat named Gary is? Birdo, of Consolidated Skateboards, has a cat named Gary. And, apparently, Birdo’s Gary came before my Gary. Three Gary cats? Are there any more? Again: craziness.

I relate all this Gary nonsense to you as a preface to Gary’s recipe for mouse. It’s delicious.

1 mouse (alive)

Pounce on the mouse and bite its neck. Carry the mouse around in your mouth. Fling the mouse in the air and then pounce on it again, kind of like tossing pizza dough. Repeat until tender. Take mouse into the house and make weird throaty noises. This marinates the mouse and lets everyone know that you’re making mouse for dinner. Take mouse back outside and toss it around some more if necessary. When it’s dead, you’ll know that it’s ready to eat. Bite off the head first, and then continue eating the rest of its body. Never finish an entire mouse, always leave its bloody carcass in a conspicuous location inside the house, such as the middle of a hallway.


Anonymous said...

So glad to see Gary in action. It's weird how much I care about your cat, because I've never met him. Still, I've been following his antics for so many years. The last frame in the mouse video is Koala-Butt! Hooray!

Anonymous said...

Great post. You might be interested in knowing that the so-called "Beez cat" is not actually named Gary. It's a hoax. They just call him Gary when in reality his name is something much more bland like Don. This actaully brings it [back] down to 2 Garys.

Ptite Claire said...

The Beez vids are amazing!
Gary the cat looks very much alike my cat Edward too, though he died at the age of 22.

Gary's & Eddie's for the win.

Anonymous said...

For the record, I am the keeper of the Gary in question, and let me reassure you that although at one point in his life he may have went by a different moniker(Doug), his name is, and forever will be Gary. When I adopted him his name was real lesbo like Hunter or something. You know, the kind of name that goes along with a dreamcatcher or mystic wolves on a mountain. But now, as his primary caretaker, I will make this once and for all official; his name is Gary. Let the triumvirate of Garys lead us to the promise land where terrorism and hatred no longer exist and we can all purr together in true harmony.

Unknown said...

arguing over/defending/being proud of how dumb your cat's name is is kinda retarded. it's just a fucking cat and no one really cares what it's name is. especially the cat. sayin'.

Anonymous said...

And that is what makes life so great. The urge to fill mundane moments between sleeping with silly arguments and stupid things because life is supposed to be so serious. I would be much happier to argue the consistency of my crap over how to end the war or which sports team is the best and why. Sayin.

Unknown said...

if arguing is what gets you off, have at it, i guess. i still don't understand it and am going to disagree that that's what make life so great. cheese makes life great.

Unknown said...

oh. and blowjobs.

Anonymous said...

Tania, it sounds to me like you're having a little argument of your own. But, just for future reference, arguing over cat names isn't very clever. Oh, and I'm always right.

CHSkateboarding said...

i had a female cat named gary a few years ago. it lives with my mom now. it likes to smoke pot and lay in the sun. and occasionally piss the bed.

Anonymous said...

i have the beez dvd's and they're enetertaining as hell.

Dave said...

I randomly searched for "Gary is a shitty name for a cat" because I've got a cat named Gary and he's also a shithead. He hangs out back in the alley with some of his cat friends all day smoking cigarettes and doing hard drugs, so there are at least four Gary cats.