Wednesday, October 15, 2008

The Iron Curtain and Our New Kitchen

"Mr Gorbachev, tear down this wall... plaze."

We’ve had a few contractors come by and give us quotes on remodeling our kitchen, but all of their estimates are well into the tens of thousands of dollars. We don’t have that kind of money. So we’ve just learned to deal with our shitty kitchen. Until now.

I can’t believe those assholes were trying to charge us so much money because our brand new kitchen cost only $130. Yeah, all we did was go down to Bed, Bath and Beyond and we bought a new trashcan for $130, and now we have a brand new, totally remodeled kitchen.

As you can see in the diagram, our old kitchen was a total mess and completely outdated. First of all, there was the Berlin Wall. You couldn’t even get into our crappy kitchen without first having to hurdle the Beckett barrier. Beckett, like most dogs, enjoys cat food. Cat food, I understand, is higher in fat than dog food. So we had to install the Beckett Barrier to keep him away from Gary’s food. It works, but I can’t tell you how many times I’ve tripped over that damn thing. Then there was the old garbage can. Not only did the old can not work (the springs on the lid were broke), but it was in the way of everything. It was usually in constant movement, dancing around the kitchen wherever we weren’t working. The cat food wasn’t too bad where it was, but Gary’s mess would tend to spill out into the kitchen proper. And then of course there was the recycling pile back by the washer and dryer. What a mess that was. After a good weekend, you couldn’t even get in that room.

But since we bought our new garbage can, that kitchen is no more. As you can see, the new garbage can fits snugly beside the refrigerator and while it’s convenient to reach, it’s also now out of the main traffic corridors. The old trashcan is now the recycling bin between the new trash can and the wall, thus eliminating the recycling dump that tended to overrun the laundry room. The laundry room, then, has become Gary’s domain with both his food and litter box safely sequestered from the rest of the world (Beckett) by the Berlin Wall.

Gary wonders why there's a brand new, giant stainless steel trashcan where his food used to be. "What the fuck?" Gary cusses, incidentally. Beckett is a good Christian dog who enjoys slow jamz, scripture, and barking at Devil Rats (squirrels).

Probably the greatest benefit we received from moving the barrier, besides not having to trip over it, is that Beckett is now allowed to explore the Magical Food Land that he has wanted to visit since the day he was born. Actually it’s kind of annoying having those pathetic brown eyes staring up at me whenever I’m making food, but he does act as a third garbage can and eats anything that falls to the floor.

"KYHAFSUM?" That's "Can I have some?" in Beckett speak. "Plaze?"

I highly recommend remodeling your kitchen. If you cook and spend as much time in the kitchen as Tania and I do, it’s the best investment you’ll ever make. We cherish the time we spend together cooking, and it just got 100 times more enjoyable. For just $130, you too can enjoy a newly remodeled kitchen. It’s expensive for a garbage can, but cheap for a new kitchen.


Brad said...

$130 for a fucking trashcan? Seriously? Also, your dog really can't jump that tiny ass wall? He doesn't want it bad enough.

Anonymous said...

If someone had told me ten years ago that, at 32, I'd care about fancy trash cans, I'd have said, "guess again, buster."

Alas, I care. I too have considered the $130 trash bin. I too have had prolonged conversations about rearranging the elements of a room.
Domestication rules!

Unknown said...

it's actually spelled/pronounced "KYHAFSUM?"

Unknown said...

In one of the photos it looks like Gary is way more huge than Beckett. True?

Bozo Monkey Bear III said...

I would say Gary is bigger, but he's not "way more huge." They're about the same size and weight, it's like comparing a tall glass with a short glass that both hold the same volume.

Anonymous said...

beckett can't jump that piece of wood? that's cute-larious!

Unknown said...

But Gary is a cat & Beckett is a dog. WTF is wrong with your animals?

Bozo Monkey Bear III said...

gary's a lion, beckett's a coyote.