Vegas Part Five: A Wildly Careening Black Woman Takes Out A Gaggle Of Douche Pickles

Look at that form! Ladies and gentleman, I present to you my wife, the greatest underwater handstander ever.

That’s the title of the century. I said that when we were hanging out with Team Awesome in the lazy river and a black lady in a tube crashed into the dude bag. I was like, “Whoa, a wildly careening black woman took out a gaggle of douche pickles.”

“That should be the title of a book, or a poem, or something,” she said laughing. Instead it’s the title of a drunk food blog.

In an effort to avoid dude bags and wildly careening black women, we chose one of the MGM’s other pools to hang out in on day two. What we found was the white dude/foreigner pool. No dude bags, mostly old folks and extremely pale English people. Even the soundtrack was different: butt rock and other white people favorites. The blackest the music got was Vanilla Ice. So what’s that, like, what? an “off-white?” (Fun fact: Tania knows all the lyrics to “Ice Ice Baby.”) Oh and there was some Terrence Trent D’Arby and Lennie Kravitz, but they're about as black as Condeleeza Rice.

This guy's tattoos were astounding. My photo kind of sucks, but picture Lord of the Rings meets Napolean Dynamite's drawing style. I swear this guy drew this shit on his Pee-Chee folder in sixth grade and took it into a tattoo shop and went, "This. On my back. Now." On his shoulder blade we have a dinosaur/dragon with a teeny tiny li'l wizard riding on its neck. Below that, in Tramp Stamp country, we have a troll/Orc/ogre that is juggling balls of fire. The tracers from the balls of fire criss cross the skyline of his fat back. If his hog bitch wife actually lets that retard put his penis in her, why doesn't she try to scratch that shit off with her finger nails? She really should just light him on fire some night. "You want to juggle fire? Well here you go Dungeon Master!" POOF!

Our neighbors were a middle age couple who were very hungover. They let everyone who dropped by to see them know. “How you feeling this morning?” “Oh man, last night was a TRAIN WRECK!” I don’t know how many times I heard her talk about the previous night’s TRAIN WRECK. “I WAS A TRAIN WRECK!” Little did we know, there was going to be a real train wreck a week later.

Handstands. I cannot do handstands. But I used to be able to do inverts. This is a photo of the last invert I ever did. It's kind of hard to see, but my shoulder popped out of the socket when Ethan Fowler took this photo. If you come over to my house, I will pull out the magazine that this is in and make you look at it. "CHECK ME OUT! I'M SOOOO RAD!"

We drowned her out by doing underwater handstands. As I mentioned before, Tania loves underwater handstands. She is a black belt champion underwater handstander. I used to be good at it when I was a kid, I could do the most tweaked inverts in a pool, but since I dislocated my shoulder over ten years ago, that fun came to an end. It’s been almost a year since my shoulder surgery, so I decided to take this opportunity and test out my shoulder. It works! Although my underwater handstands are horrible. Every time I’d come up for air, I was met with Tania’s laughter. Tania wins at underwater handstands.

Is it because sandwiches look like smiles that we love them? That there's some 'Wich Craft. On top is the prosciutto, below is the pulled pork.

All those handstands worked up quite an appetite, so we got lunch to go from Tom Colicchio’s (the bald guy on Top Chef) “’Wich Craft.” It’s a little sandwich place with a clever name. It’s good. We got it two days in a row and ate it by the pool. We ordered a total of three sandwiches: skirt steak and egg, pulled pork, and prosciutto and butter. While I appreciated the simplicity of the sandwiches, I think each needed a little something more. A remoulade, or a mayonnaise something? Still, they were delicious. I think I enjoyed the prosciutto the most. It was just meat, butter, and bread. Half of that one also survived a night and was a welcome hangover remedy in the room the next morning. “I WAS A TRAIN WRECK LAST NIGHT!” It’s a cliché, but the simplest comfort food is always the most deeply satisfying. Colicchio definitely has the simple down at ‘Wich Craft. No more Subways, no more Quizno’s, no more TOGO’s, I want a ‘Wich Craft by my work.

Tania wins at handstand Olympics, I win at titles, and Colicchio wins at sandwiches. From simple to crazy, we’re going to Joel Rubochon’s L’Atelier next.

While we were eating our 'Wich Craft in our room, we enjoyed some women's professional bowling. We were shocked to see our friend (some would say "daughter") Sharan in the match. If you don't know Sharan, this makes no sense to you...but if you do know Sharan you'll surely agree: that's Sharan.

Sharan totally sucks at bowling, though. She lost to the governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin.