Monday, August 18, 2008

Tan' Thumb (say it like "Tom Thumb")

Tania chopped off the tip of her thumb last night. It was midnight and we were going to go to bed, but she decided to eat the baked potato she had cooked earlier, after all. We were stoned and a cheesy baked potato suddenly sounded good. Plus we have trouble admitting the weekend is over. “Let’s just stay up a little longer… one more glass of wine… hey let’s eat that baked potato!” “Yeahhhhh, maaaan.” So she goes to chop up some scallions and WOOPS! She got some thumb. A lot of thumb.

“Oh no,” she said. She didn’t scream or anything. She just kind of moaned and kept saying “Oh no,” which, believe it or not, sounds worse than if she was screaming and hysterical. “WHAT? WHAT HAPPENED?” I yelled. We got the water on it, we got a towel and put some ice on it. She was in a lot of pain, but she handled it.

“Oh my god, there it is,” she said pointing at the cutting board. Sure enough, right next to the knife was the little hunk of Tania’s thumb. “Ewww!” It was shaped like an eye, or a little football. It was cleanly shorn off and it was all white, except for the slice of dark purple, goth-polish nail that came with it. Goth, severed limbs, how apropos.

Tania somehow managed to look up online on her phone with her other nine fingers what to do. She found a diagram similar to this.

Her injury was closer to a green cut than a blue cut. Meaning, despite the pain, it could heal on its own without a trip to the hospital. Which was a relief, because, again, it was midnight and we were stoned. I had a hard enough time at the grocery store trying to choose between all the bandages and gauze and tape and shit.

The strangest part of it all was my reaction to the li’l hunk of Tania on the cutting board. What do I do with it? Do I throw it away? That seems kind of weird throwing a part of my wife’s body into the trash with the cans of cat food and potato peels and the brown avocado and the moldy chili…gross. But then saving it is sort of morose, no? I decided I was too stoned to make a decision and the best idea would be to save it—I could throw it away tomorrow, I figured. So as Tania squirmed and whimpered on the couch, I scooped up the little hunk of thumb and took it back to my office and laid it in the middle of a legal pad.

This would be a good opportunity to do a short review of the Chef’s Choice 120 electric knife sharpener we got as a wedding gift. I had just sharpened all of our knives only two hours before. And as you can see, it works really, really good. I highly recommend it.

Aside from the pain, she’s going to be alright. In the meantime, I’m sure she’d love to hear from you. It would distract her from her thumb. Me? I’m just bummed that I lost 0.0000001% of the lady I married. I feel ripped off.


Anonymous said...

OW!!! You get well sista.

But hey, here's a perfect opportunity to eat part of your own body for your new food blog. Like throw it in a soup stock or something. Here is a list of placenta recipes my friend sent me when my wife was pregnant to get the wheels turning -

Anonymous said...

from the previous post: "Tania has an anal retentive side to her and it really comes out when she starts chopping stuff."

Too bad she doesn't have a finger retentive side. Poor finger. Poor Tania.

Hi, Tanya/Tania!

(apparently you can't use the strike through html)

-kw said...

I did that once. It healed as a flat spot and stayed flat for years, waiting (allegedly) until I quit paying attention to it to blow my mind.
Then when I was obsessing on something else, like an ingrown hair or a sore ear, my flat thumb did like all wily appendage tips do—it regenerated and tried to pretend nothing ever happened.