Thursday, August 14, 2008

Hell's Kitchen Tastes Like Chiggin


Tania and I have always had a problem with Jaime Oliver's fat tongue and novelty poop lips, but apparently Gordon Ramsey quite fancies it. "Ohhh, FOCK AAAWWWF!"

I know most people hate him, but I like Gordon Ramsey. I agree, he’s a blowhard and it’s a little hard to get past that fake, cussing, red-hot face. But I think it’s just an exaggeration of what he’s really like deep down. He’s a perfectionist, an artist, and he has a really strong work ethic. I admire those qualities, and I wish I saw more of them in myself. All I’ve got is the asshole part.

One of the most peculiar elements of his show Hell’s Kitchen is the blindfolded tasting test. They do it every season, and every time I see it, I wonder, “How would I do at that?” And while we didn’t have the pressure of television cameras and the eyes of a million people upon us, Tania and I created our own little Hell’s Kitchen blindfold challenge.

Tania really got into it and chose to administer the test, but as such, she, unfortunately, was then unable to take the test. My test suffered from the same problem because I also helped make the list of ingredients. Once you know what could possibly be going into your mouth, it’s not that hard to guess what it is. But making the list was definitely the fun part. We’d go to a bar and sit there and just write down foods to stuff in people’s eyeless faces. At first, our items were on the crazy side, but after seeing the show and seeing so many trained chefs unable to identify the most common ingredients, we decided to tone it down.

You should have seen Tania chopping that shit up the morning of the test. Tania has an anal retentive side to her and it really comes out when she starts chopping stuff. You should see her “mise en place.” And the morning of the test, she couldn’t stop chopping. After she chopped up all the stuff on the list, she started going through the cupboards and finding all kinds of weird shit. “What do you think of egg noodles?” she asked. I think I said “yes” to the noodles, but I remember at one point going, “I think you got enough.”

I don’t remember the final list of the foods she chopped up, but here’s a sampling: hard-boiled egg, peas, chicken, lemon, tomatoes, cheese, macadamia nuts (that was actually a weird one), cottage cheese, deli ham, etc..

video
Tania "Oh my god, I look so drunk" Carnie

When I took it, I got every one right. Except for tomatoes. Because as I was chewing it, I said, “I don’t know what this is?” I was just thinking out loud. And before I could answer, Tania said, “Tomato!” “I wasn’t done!” I squealed. Anyways… I didn’t find it very difficult at all, but as I said, I knew most everything that was going in my mouth.

And I’m proud to report that our friends didn’t find it that difficult either. Peters and Jason were the worst—probably because they were wasted—but even they didn’t do as bad as some of the contestants we’ve seen on Hell’s Kitchen. The girls—Sharan, Jessica, and Heather (not in video)—performed much better. Sharan and Jessica only missed a couple each, but Heather named every item that was stuffed into her maw correctly. Heather wins! Congratulations.

Heather may have won the Hell’s Kitchen Challenge, but I think the real winner that night was Jscrib2003 who managed to get more wasted than anybody. Way to go Jabby!


1 comment:

Machuca said...

Best line:
You should see her “mise en place.”