Monday, August 18, 2008

Tania's FTP List

A few years ago we had ourselves a going away party for one of our favorite French foreigners, Mik. We had the party for him at a bar called White Horse in Hollywood, which is on my FTP (Fuck That Place) list. The place was horrible and they basically charged $20.00 a drink for watered down vodka. The place was small and after 10pm it gets overrun with hipster trash. At the end of the night they charged Dave $150 dollars for beers and shots of Jager. Apparently those shots cost $20 each too because there is no way we drank $150 worth of anything. Fuck that place. And fuck those sneaky old Hungarian ladies that ran it. And fuck only having one women's toilet in the entire place.

But it’s not the only place in the world that sucks, oh no. It was the catalyst for the creation of an entire list. This list isn’t meant to hurt, it’s meant to help. To help you, our friends, to stay away from shitty places that make you want to stab. There are lots of other places, these are just a few examples of places that you should never go to. And if you are forced to go any of these places, I suggest that you shit in your hand and smear it on the wall. And don’t tip.

Casa Bianca, fuck that place.

Casa Bianca in Glendale, CA. Best pizza, gayest restaurant. They don't take plastic, they're not open for lunch, they’re not open on Mondays, the service sucks, they don't take reservations, they rarely answer their phone for take out orders, and there's always a line which means you have to stand on the street for forty minutes in order to eat there. Fuck that place.

The Doug Fir in Portland, OR. Retarded hipster bar with overpriced, watered down drinks. It's attached to one of the crappiest hotels ever, too. One late night, they wouldn't allow Nieratko and his wife in to eat because the bouncer saw that they had beers in their hands that they had brought from their room. Even when they threw the beers away (and couldn't buy anymore because it was 3am) they were still denied entrance. I went there for lunch the next day and ordered a grilled cheese with tomato soup. They fucked it up. They fucked up the most basic dish on the planet. How the fuck can you ruin cheese, bread and pureed tomatoes? Well, it was burnt, on the wrong bread and the soup was basically chunky salsa with basil in it. And then the waiter was a condescending asshole. Way to go Doug Fir, you suck. Fuck that place.

The Other Room in Venice, CA. We took Zach Galifianakis there after our interview, got really drunk, fought with a bartender for charging us way too much for drinks and Dave didn't tip. He's 86'd from the place (He went back and tipped the stupid bartender and he's not 86'd anymore, but fuck that place anyways.).

Senor Fish in Glendale, CA. It's just lame. There is just so much that sucks about this place I give myself a mental case of carpel tunnel when I think about all the typing I have to do to describe it.

Every Mexican restaurant in Portland, OR. Don't serve me black beans and squash in a whole wheat tortilla and tell me it's Mexican food. I live in California and I know what Mexican food is. There is nothing whole wheat in any Mexican dish. Nor is there any "soyrizo." The further away you get from Mexico, the worse the Mexican food is.

Jones Café
in Hollywood, CA. Fuck that place forever. If you can ever get inside that place, you’ll see for yourself how full of suck it is. How is it so exclusive and it’s not even fancy? FTP.

Cobras and Matadors
in Hollywood, CA. Fuck that place and its tapas and shitty service. For one of Dave's birthday dinners I bought two bottles of Veuve Cliquot to share with the table. It took a half hour for them to bring me champagne flutes. It would have taken longer, but I walked into the kitchen and started grabbing them myself.

Pete’s Restaurant in Downtown LA, CA. Worst service ever. EVER. It also gave Donny the barf shits.


Anonymous said...

I thought I'd comment here rather than below since I would like to wish you well Tania. Cutting off little parts sucks and I bet it hurts like a mother. Well, it gives you a reason to raise your glass...literally! You gotta keep that little bugger up above your heart so the blood won't sputter all about. I hope you heal well.

I love the FTP article and I promise not to visit any of those places without a handful of feces.


beardmonster said...

"The further away you get from Mexico, the worse the Mexican food is. "

as a current resident of london, i can attest to the accuracy of this statement.

highdesertsultan said...

i also say FUCK YOU! Doug Fir.

i was there with robbie wilkins a few years ago. rob's impression was summed up when he said, "hey, if you guys are looking for me i'llbe standing next to the guy in the tight pants with his hair over his eye, next to the guy in the tight pants with his hair over his eye".

plus, i always run into that effin mirror at the end of the hallway near the bathrooms. fuckers! fuck you

kool-aide-mustache said...

FTP is not only a good read, but a brilliant complement to the FOD site. In fact, it could be a site all of its own. Think of the possibilities with exposing all the places that suck beyond bars/restaurants. Stores, movie theaters, parks even that local newspaper stand or shoe shine boy who does a suck-ass job on your loafers. There’s a shit ton of spots that we should all steer clear of locally and when we travel. It could grow quite large geographically. I thought of doing a similar site called “” but some mope from Massachusetts so cleverly purchased the domain already and doesn’t do jack shit with it. I’m sure he hopes to cash out on it someday. Anyways, I look forward to continued FTP posts. Call those fuckers out.

Check out the haterpack done by Fun stuff.